(Busher Report) Welcome to the virtual world of Sativa Sue, a beautiful, giant, fragrant bud of sativa marijuana that happens to blog. Some folks called me, Sativa Sue, the Barbara Walters of inanimate objects thanks to my in depth no questions asked interviews with non human things like the Loch Ness Monster, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s Blue Fleece jacket, President Obama’s golf putter, Vladimir Putin’s left nipple, and interviews with words like “Nowhere” and “Oligarchy.”
I am super excited because one of my favorite sporting events, The FIFA World Cup, starts this week in Brazil. The international organization known as FIFA produces The World Cup sporting event which pits the top 32 countries playing the sport most everyone calls football (American’s call it “soccer”) to win the grand prize, a fairly large trophy called “The World Cup”. I am psyched because I, Sativa Sue, scored an exclusive interview with the actual “World Cup” trophy.
Sativa Sue: Hello World Cup Trophy.
World Cup Trophy: Hello Sativa Sue, my all-time favorite beautiful blogging giant fragrant bud of sativa marijuana.
Sativa Sue: Wow. Sucking up to the press. Nice job.
World Cup Trophy: Thanks. How much money would it take to bribe you to make sure I look really good in the eyes of your readers after they finish reading this interview?
Sativa Sue: Probably way more than any country has paid FIFA to make sure the FIFA leadership awards the World Cup hosting duties to the country who secretly deposits the most funds into bank accounts in the name of the children of FIFA officials under the guise of a scholarship.
World Cup Trophy: Wow. Ok. How about the opposite? You can pay me to answer your questions.
Sativa Sue: Why would I do that? You contacted me, remember? I bumped an interview with Eric Cantor’s eyeglasses to accommodate your schedule.
World Cup Trophy: Who is Eric Cantor?
Sativa Sue: History. No one who matters any more.
World Cup Trophy: Exactly.
Sativa Sue: Are you ready to start the bribe free interview now please?
World Cup Trophy: $5 per each 140 character answer.
Sativa Sue: Whatever, douche. The tournament named after you starts today. How does it feel?
World Cup Trophy: Honestly? I am exhausted.
Sativa Sue: Why?
World Cup Trophy: Brazil “enlisted” my assistance to help them prepare for my event.
Sativa Sue: How did they enlist you?
World Cup Trophy: They pointed an AK-47 at me and said “Get to work, slave.”
Sativa Sue: What??? I thought only Qatar was using slaves to prepare for their World Cup tournament scheduled for the summer of 2022. Are you saying the Brazilian authorities forced one of the most famous sports trophies in the world to work for free? How could they?
World Cup Trophy: Machine guns persuade me way more than money.
Sativa Sue: Did they put you to work as a World Cup good will ambassador traveling throughout the country of Brazil inspiring the hard working Brazilian folks as they were building the stadiums, hotels and infrastructure to support the event?
World Cup Trophy: Almost but not quite. The AK-47 “advised” me to pick between latrine and grounds keeping duties. Did you see that I put the word “advised” in quotes?
Sativa Sue: Yes, genius. Which duty did you pick?
World Cup Trophy: I smell like urine, feces and fresh cut sod grass. What do you think?
Sativa Sue: That you are incompetent.
World Cup Trophy: Hey now. Be nice.
Sativa Sue: I’m nice to inanimate objects that compensate me for these interviews. Do you have any predictions for the 2014 World Cup?
World Cup Trophy: I predict the champion will wrap their hands around me and lift me in the air above their head after the final game.
Sativa Sue: That’s a bold prediction.
World Cup Trophy: Do you really think so?
Sativa Sue: No numb nuts. That’s like predicting the United States will whine about its failure to advance to the 2nd round of the 2014 World Cup.
World Cup Trophy: Oh. Can I use that prediction?
Sativa Sue: No. How about coming up with an original thought? I know you are really a trophy made of gold and some other stuff but I have faith in your creative abilities.
World Cup Trophy: Ok. I see what you are looking for, I think. I predict eight groups comprised of four teams representing 32 countries will kick a whitish round ball around a rectangular field of grass to win the right to hoist me, the gold World Cup Trophy, in the air.
Sativa Sue: Dude. Come on. Let’s get real. Who do you think will advance to the second round or also known as the knockout stage of the World Cup Tournament?
World Cup Trophy: Roger Federer, Tiger Woods (if his knee holds up), Rafael Nadal, Pete Sampras, The New York Jets, The New York Times, Rory Mcilroy, Martina Navratilova, Venus Williams, The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, Microsoft, The Beatles (Ringo, Paul, John and George) and Hillary Clinton (sans Bill) all will advance.
Sativa Sue: Do you have a clue about what happens at the tournament named after you, The World Cup Trophy?
World Cup Trophy: I realize some of your readers may view these predictions as non standard or unexpected but I can always bribe them to accept them.
Sativa Sue: You want to bribe our readers to accept your extremely odd World Cup predictions that five tennis players, two pro golfers, a music group with two dead members, an American female politician, two professional American football teams and two corporations all will advance to the knockout stage of The World Cup global football tournament just under way?
World Cup Trophy: Sure. How much do you think it will take? I heard rumors that you are struggling to grow your reader base so it shouldn’t cost much.
Sativa Sue: Ouch. What happened to kissing up to the press?
World Cup Trophy: What happened to being able to bribe the press?
Sativa Sue: You can’t really bribe a giant fragrant bud of sativa marijuana named Sue.
World Cup Trophy: I’m part of FIFA. We can do anything. ome folks say bribes flow through our organization like blood through the human body.
Sativa Sue: Do you think Brazil, the host country, will win?
World Cup Trophy: Pele looks great, so maybe.
Sativa Sue: Pele retired many, many, years ago so he no longer plays football/soccer for his home country.
World Cup Trophy: So what? He still looks great so maybe Brazil has a chance.
Sativa Sue: How do you feel about Kim Kardasian’s marriage to Kanye West?
World Cup Trophy: Where did that question come from? How is it relevant to the World Cup Tournament?
Sativa Sue: We heard you gave away the bride. Is this true?
World Cup Trophy: Yes I gave away the bride. I’m made of gold and I have known the Kardashian family for years. Kim wanted a special companion to give her away since her father passed some number of years ago. What’s more special than a gold trophy giving another trophy away to a singer more famous for his verbal outbursts rather than his actual singing. How did you know about that?
Sativa Sue: Our source make TMZ’s look like a deaf, dumb and blind person. How do you feel about Spain’s chances to repeat their 2010 World Cup Victory?
World Cup Trophy: Well, as you may or may not know, I recently spent a significant amount of time in Spain since technically Spain owned me for a while.
Sativa Sue: Are you saying Spain bought The World Cup Victory in 2010.
World Cup Trophy: No. Not at all. They earned it. That victory over the North Korean volleyball/water polo/badminton team in FIFA’s World Cup served as a unifying morale boosting event for their country suffering from political upheaval and economic sluggishness. I am obligated to go “home” to the winning country for some time. In 2010’s case it was Spain.
Sativa Sue: Wow. Visiting Spain must have cost you a bundle.
World Cup Trophy: Not really. The IRS considers it a business trip so I wrote the whole trip off.
Sativa Sue: Whew. I was worried for a second there about your finances.
World Cup Trophy: Really?
Sativa Sue: No. Why would a beautiful, giant and may I add dynamic, fragrant bud of sativa marijuana give a crap about the finances of a metal cup?
World Cup Trophy: Not just any medal, gold.
Sativa Sue: That’s right. I forgot. How much do you weigh?
World Cup Trophy: Why does that matter?
Sativa Sue: What’s the per ounce price of gold today?
World Cup Trophy: Somewhere around $1,270 according to Goldprice.org.
Sativa Sue: And how many ounces of gold did your creators pour into you?
World Cup Trophy: 11 lbs of 18 ounce gold* but I don’t really like where this line of questioning is going.
Sativa Sue: 11 lbs equals 176 ounces multiplied by $1,270 comes out to $223,000. Holy crap!
World Cup Trophy: What can I say? I’m special.
Sativa Sue: Are you cold? Why don’t you move much closer to the special gold melting oven I bought in advance of this interview that I happen to use to keep my virtual office warm.
World Cup Trophy: Why are you lifting me with your hands? How did a bud of sativa marijuana named Sue grow hands!!!
John Busher authored this satirical post. This conversation between two inanimate objects was written for entertainment purposes and does not represent either the real thoughts of sativa marijuana or FIFA’s World Cup Trophy. If anyone thinks this parody does represent the real thoughts of sativa marijuana or FIFA or the World Cup Trophy you may want to consider consulting a psyschologist who specializes in reality. If you appreciate this kind of humor and would like to support Mr. Busher you can buy one or all of his short satirical ebooks he self published through a service called Smashwords for $0.99 each so he can pay his bills while he writes a full length satirical novel called “America’s Next Puppet Regime”. You can read the books on pretty much all electronic devices – PC, Kindle, iPad, Nook etc.
* This is a footnote for the source of the ingredients of the World Cup Trophy. The source is Wikipedia. – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FIFA_World_Cup_Trophy