Combative New Jersey Governor Chris Christie released his own unbiased independent Bridgegate report produced by Gibson, Dunn, & Crutcher, a law firm his administration hired to investigate the George Washington Bridge Four Day Traffic Jam caused by the shutdown of three lanes on the entrance to the bridge.
Sativa Sue, a large beautiful bud of sativa marijuana and the only sativa marijuana plant that blogs for the satirical news site HarryBalls.com scored the first interview with Christie’s Bridgegate report. How does an inanimate object like a bud of sativa marijuana named Sue interview a bunch of papers bound together? Magic happens in the world of satirical fiction known as HarryBalls.com.
Sue conducted the interview at Rezerv.it, a co-working space located at 524 Union Street in North Beach San Francisco, California.
Sativa Sue: Hello Bridgegate Report. Thank you for meeting us.
Bridgegate Report: No Problem. Thank you for having me.
Sativa Sue: Did you have any problems finding Rezerv.it, this co-working space in San Francisco?
Bridgegate Report: No it’s a block up from Washington Square Park, one of my favorite locations to visit when I come to San Francisco.
Sativa Sue: Great. Should I call you “Chris Christie’s Bridgegate Report”, “Bridgegate Report”, “The Tony Soprano Whitewash” or something else?
Bridgegate Report: You can call me “Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report”, “Chris Christie’s Bullshit” or just “Christie’s Bullshit he arrogantly expects everyone to believe is independent, unbiased, and trustworthy and will let him continue his Presidential 2106 Campaign report”.
Sativa Sue: Wow. You sound a little frustrated and exasperated. Do you want to talk about it?
Christie’s Bullshit Report: Why do you think I flew 3000 miles to San Francisco to meet with HarryBalls.com, the first and only satirical news site I plan to spill my guts to?
Sativa Sue: Excellent.
Christie’s Bullshit Report: What would you like to know about Christie’s Bullshit Report?
Sativa Sue: Everything. What methodology was used to investigate the politically motivated abuse of power Sept 2013 Four Day traffic jam that Governor Chris “I run a tight ship” Christie was unaware of happening at the time? What caused the traffic jam and why?
Christie’s Bullshit Report: What do you mean by the phrase “methodology”?
Sativa Sue: The system the investigative team who issued the bullshit report to figure who did what and why with respect to the George Washington Bridge traffic jam.
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Yeah. I hear what you are saying but I am still not sure what you mean.
Sativa Sue: Well did the team conduct interviews with the people Chris Christie fired for being allegedly involved in the traffic jam? Folks like David Wildstein a Christie Port Authority Appointee; Bridget Anne Kelly, Christie’s Deputy Chief of Staff or Bill Stephien his re-election campaign manager?
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Now I understand what you mean by methodology. No the so called investigative team did not interview anyone fired for traffic jam.
Sativa Sue: Ok. Care to share?
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: You should know. You were involved.
Sativa Sue: How was I, a bud of sativa marijuana, involved in the creation of Christie’s Bullshit Report.
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Everyone knows the sativa strain of marijuana can help inspire people to be more creative.
Sativa Sue: Yes. That’s true.
Chris Christie Bullshit Report: Well a bunch of my authors poured themselves into a law firm conference room with four three foot bongs and a year’s supply of sativa marijuana for a two week brainstorming session.
Sativa Sue: So they used a brainstorm methodology to get to the bottom of the George Washington Bridge Traffic Jam?
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Yes – powered by sativa marijuana.
Sativa Sue: Now we know the methodology. What caused the George Washington Bridge Four Day Traffic Jam?
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Vladimir Putin, Obamacare and Jimmy Carter.
Sativa Sue: What?? Are you high?
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Not yet but I was hoping you will hook me up after we finish.
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Vladimir Putin blocked one of the lanes to secretly test Russia’s ability to manipulate another country’s traffic patterns as a preview to Russia’s annexation of the Ukraine. So the traffic study part of explanation. He closed one of the lanes.
Sativa Sue: Obamacare?
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: The Obamacare web site shut down one of the lanes to test how people would respond when they couldn’t access something they needed like the Obamacare web site.
Sativa Sue: President Jimmy Carter?
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Not President Jimmy Carter. Some random dude named Jimmy Carter (not former President Jimmy Carter) laid down in one of the lanes and refused to get up for four days. I don’t know the guy but I think he had smoked a year’s supply of indica marijuana which knocked him out cold for four days.
Sativa Sue: Wow. How was Chris Christie involved in this?
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Do you remember when I said the authors of the report smoked a lot of sativa bud before the brainstorm session?
Sativa Sue: Yes.
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Christie supplied the bud to see what would happen if recreational marijuana was consumed by the staff of law firms who employee his allies. Law firms his administration pays $1,000,000 to produce The Bullshit Report vindicating him of any wrongdoing in traffic scandals so he thinks voters will trust him again.
Sativa Sue: Ok. Just so I understand, the investigate team used a brainstorm research methodology, powered by marijuana.
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Sativa marijuana. Please be specific.
Sativa Sue: …powered by sativa marijuana determined Vladimir Putin, the Obamacare web site and a random due named Jimmy Carter caused four day politicked motivated traffic jam on the George Washington Bridge in September 2013. The Chris Christie Bullshit report complete vindicates Chris Christie so all voters, democrat, republican, independents and tea partiers will all completely tru
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Yes that’s an accurate summary.
Sativa Sue: We invited a guest to comment on this interview to get a second opinion for something intimately involved Bridgegate.
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Who?
Sativa Sue: More like a what. The George Washington Bridge offered to join us here at Rezerv.it to share its thoughts on the Chris Christie BullShit report.
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Oh crap. How the heck did the GWB bridge get to San Francisco?
Sativa Sue: Who cares? Remember this is fictional satire.
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: It’s not science fiction!
Sativa Sue: Like the Christie Bullshit Report?
Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report: Exactly!
Sativa Sue: Hey George Washington Bridge. You were an eyewitness to the September 2013 traffic jam. What do you think of Chris Christie’s Bullshit Report?
George Washington Bridge: Its 100% crap.
John Busher wrote this post. If you appreciate this kind of humor and would like to support Mr. Busher you can buy one or both of his short satirical ebooks he self published through a service called Smashwords for $2.99 each. You can read the books on pretty much all electronic devices – PC, Kindle, iPad, Nook etc.