Opening Bell with Maria Bartiromo Parody
Episode one: Struggles of the Wealthiest People 1% on the Planet
Setting: Fox Business Network’s Opening Bell Studio. The video can either show all three characters sitting around a desk/couch or it can be a split screen with Maria conducting the interview via video conference and Mitt Romney on her left and Tom Perkins on her right.
Characters and their backgrounds:
Maria Bartiromo: Former CNBC anchor, dubbed “Money Honey” for her striking good looks and for being the first person to report live on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Now she anchors “Opening Bell with Maria Bartimoro” on the Fox Business Network. This sketch parodies her new Fox show, Opening Bell with Maria Bartimoro.
Mitt Romney: 2012 United States Presidential Candidate, Former Governor of Massachusetts, Venture Capitalist and alleged job creator.
Tom Perkins: Long Time Venture Capitalist, founder of the VC firm Kleiner, Perkins, Caufield & Byers. No longer active with the company. Older gentleman. Compared the folks complaining about the rich to the Nazi’s going after the Jews. Also said if you pay $1,000,000 in taxes you should get 1,000,000 votes. He’s wearing a business suit with two luxury watches on each wrist which he shows off to the camera.
Maria Bartiromo,speaking to the television audience wearing a sharp business suit:
“Hello. I am Maria Bartiromo and thank you for tuning into my new show on the Fox Business Network called “Opening Bell with Maria Bartiromo.” We decided to open the show by addressing, head on, one of the hottest topics circulating on the internet amongst liberals, progressives, plain people and even the President of the United States – the income disparity between the richest of the rich folks and the rest of the world, the 1%.
We invited two prominent members of the one percenters to share insights into their everyday “struggles” (Maria uses air quotes and gives a giant wink with one eye when she says struggles) so everyone else can chill out when they learn fabulously wealthy people suffer just like them.
Joining Fox Business News today are 2012 Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney and Silicon Valley Venture Capitalist Tom Perkins who founded “Kleiner Perkins Caufield Byers” one of the very first venture capital firms to plant their flag on the storied Sand Hill Road in California’s Silicon Valley.
Romney: (giving the audience the classic candidate wave with the right hand mechanically pivoting back and forth on the his wrist, wearing a Romney Ryan 2012 Campaign button):
Hello. Maria. Thank you for inviting me on the show today. I hope your audience remembers to cast their Presidential ballot in my favor on Election Day. I promise to repeal Obamacare even though it’s an exact replica of the universal health legislation I championed and signed into law as Governor of the great state of Massachusetts.
Maria: What do you mean? The presidential race ended about 16 months ago.
Romney: But my campaign team assures me the polls still show a slam dunk victory for team Romney/Ryan. Did I win? Am I President of the United States?
Maria: Obama won. I can’t believe such a Mormon pussy was the torch bearer for the Republican Party.
Maria Speaking to the audience while Romney keeps waving like a candidate and Perkins keeps looking over his own shoulders as if someone was chasing him:
To be clear by referring to Romney as a “Mormon pussy” I am not trying to put down the Mormon religion. I am merely pointing out that Romney is a Mormon who happens to be a giant clueless completely out of touch arrogant pussy.
Romney: That can’t possibly be right but that’s just a minor detail. I’m sure it’s just a snafu in your so called reporting.
Maria ignores Romney and switches focus to Perkins: Hello Mr. Perkins. You are looking very fit. Do you find a lot of time to exercise in between placing venture capital investments?
Tom Perkins: Thank you, Maria. Not quite but a bunch of Nazis have been chasing me around on my 300 foot mega yacht for the last year or so.
Maria: Gentleman we invited you onto the program so you can share some of the things members of the 1% struggle with daily.
Romney: My one hundred person staff gathered a list of forty seven struggles a silver spooned profit creating venture capitalist like myself deals with. Do you want me to list them all?
Maria: No. Each of you should share one of your struggles and we will see where the conversation goes.
Romney: According to my two hundred person staff I struggle with listening to the complaints of the underinsured and their lack of access to affordable health care. Hello haven’t they heard of the emergency room? (he says with an exasperated tone)
Maria: Are you suggesting people should go to the emergency room for any non-life threatening medical situation like an upper respiratory infection, sinus infection, pink eye or eczema?
Maria: But wouldn’t that drive up the cost of health care for all citizens.
Romney: Maria, what does our society want? High returns for investors participating in the health care ecosystem or high quality affordable health care for the masses? We can’t have both. According to my three hundred person staff that leads to my next struggle or complaint that the masses just don’t understand the United States’ Wall Street driven economic system.
Maria: Three hundred person staff? You started the interview with a one hundred person staff. What do all these people do?
Romney: What can I say? I’m a job creator. I hire them to deal with my daily struggles.
Maria switches her attention to Perkins: Tom Perkins. Can you share anything you struggle with on a daily basis?
Perkins: Aside from my Nazis powered exercise workout?
Maria: Aside from the Nazis.
Perkins: So you want to know my struggles. Not enough arm space for my luxury watch collection. (shows off multiple luxury watches on each wrist)
Maria: Anything else?
Perkins: Air and Oxygen. People like myself who pay at least $1,000,000 in taxes should NOT have to compete with the Nazis and anyone in the 99% for access to clean non polluted air.
Maria: How should it work then in your ideal world?
Perkins: The .01%, let’s be honest even the 1% is way below me, should get access to the air first and the rest of the planet polluting Jerry Stringer watching loving population including policeman, judges, members of congress, teachers, paramedics, garbagemen, doctors, nurses, sales people, secretaries, reporters, professors should breathe our leftovers.
Maria: Aren’t many members of Congress in the 1%.
Perkins: Yes but their positions in Congress made them rich.
Maria: What else gets under your wrinkly old white man skin?
Maria: You are a one word wonder. Tell me more.
Perkins: The well-heeled individuals like myself who pays $1,000,000 or more in taxes should get at least that many votes.
Maria: Are you saying anyone who pays over $1,000,000 in taxes should get 1,000,000 votes in elections?
Maria: You’re joking right?
Perkins: No. I aim to be provocative.
Maria: What would the 1% do with that voting power?
Perkins: We would vote for candidates who will champion legislation designed to eliminate all taxes for people who currently pay at least $1,000,000 year in taxes.
Maria: If that legislation passed wouldn’t the folks who currently pay 1,000,000 in taxes lose their right to vote?
Maria: Well folks. That does it for our segment on the struggles of the 1%. I would like to thank Mitt Romney and Tom Perkins for sharing parts of their lives. We will see you tomorrow.