Hey there. That’s right, you read the headline properly. I am Russian President Vladimir Putin’s Right Nipple. I volunteered to share a list of my nine favorite sanctions the United States has decided to throw at my countrymen for reunited Crimea with the Motherland.

1. Must immediately sign up for Obamacare.

2. Must hire the original Obamacare technology vendor for all Russian government technical infrastructure projects.

3. Will be subject to any laws Nancy Pelosi voted for but didn’t read before voting – all of them.

4. Must hire Chris Christie’s Cronies to implement a “traffic study” all around the Kremlin and all Russian high end clubs catering to oligarchs and retired KGB entrepreneurs.

5. Will no longer have access to Rachel Maddow’s numerous conspiracy theories about the Koch Bros.

6. Will be forced to read and perform at a Russian café of their choosing all Craigslist Missed Connections listings for the rest of their lives.

7. Participate in a fully clothed fivesome with Michelle Bachman, Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin and Nancy Pelosi.

8. Must become a NY Knicks, Mets, Nets and Chicago Cubs fan.

9. Must become BFFs with Courtney Love, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.

John Busher wrote this post. If you appreciate this kind of humor and would like to support Mr. Busher you can buy one or both of his short satirical ebooks he self published through a service called Smashwords for $2.99 each. You can read the books on pretty much all electronic devices – PC, Kindle, iPad, Nook etc.

1. Donny The Drone’s Terrific Guide to American Exceptionalism.

2. The 4th Amendment Interviews The NSA’s Prism Project.

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